Life is precious

Life is precious.  Today the unthinkable happened at work, and I am only just now beginning to feel that I have "thawed"...after hours of periodically crying, talking to the Lord and to my little-man Henry, about all of the events that transpired throughout the day.  Even now tears and unspeakable sorrow come easily, as I sit at this keyboard sorting through all of my thoughts.  As we all know, sharing is something that people in healthcare are not pr ivied too (hence my reason for talking to an animal :)).  However, there is so very much that can and should be said.  I can easily summarize, though, with three simple words: Life is Beautiful.

There are times in my own life when, due to my work, I feel as though I am witness to both the most majestic, and the most mortifying examples of raw humanity that are possible for humans to experience; oftentimes occurring within the very same day.  It is the oddest thing, leaving me often unable to fully sort through it all.  Today was no exception to this.  As I drove home from work, I was reminded of the continuance of life.  The sun was shining brilliantly and the temperature's were well into the 60's...seeing beauty abound while knowing that lives had just crumbled, never to be the same again.  It really was quite chilling.  I was there, witness to it all.  And then I swiped my badge out of work, walked to my car, and went on with my day.  Well....not really.

There is an interesting personality that people take on when working in life-or-death situations.  Many respond by putting on a sort of armor, a distancing of sorts, going into auto-pilot-mode, doing the duties that they have been trained to know how to do in the moments that they matter the most.  This may sound cold, but on the contrary, I really believe that it comes from a place of extreme brokenness for what is going on---all-the-while knowing of the need to continue to work and function, getting through the moment at hand.  Others seem to almost feel the need to embrace the fullness of the moment.  They will go through the motions but may begin to cry while doing it.  If they are lucky, they can hold on to have the breakdown until they are safely locked into the bathroom.  I find myself in the latter of the two most of the time.  

This is an odd example, but I have found myself remembering it all throughout the day today: years ago when my very first pet needed to be put down, as a teenager, I argued briefly with the Veterinarian until he let me actually hold my little guy while he did what he needed to do.  I simply had too.  No questions asked.  I had to run to it, instead of away from it.  There is a thread of that that carries over into my everyday life even now.  I want to cry. I want to feel the sting....because life matters.  People matter.  No matter how much of a stranger they were to me just a few short hours before.  This is how I cope.

When I worked with elderly people in my first nursing job, I would often volunteer to work on the wing with whomever was believed to be in their final hours of living, hoping to be there when they slipped from this life into eternity.  

Eternity.  It really is something, isn't it?  When it comes down to it: nothing else really matters.  No degree, title, portfolio or retirement fund means much of anything when you are taking your last breath of life.  In those final moments, if one is lucky enough to realize that they are having them, it is dumb-founding what people feel the need to say and do.  Some people fight it, almost running from death, while others have a sweetness that is evident even in the midst of great suffering.  It leaves me awe-struck.

It's days like these that I come home and read Solomon.  I love him and feel an incredible kinship with all that he would mull-over during intense moments of life.  Solomon said, "when times are good, be happy, but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other..." (Eccl 7:14).  How true is this.  The New Testament says that "He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous" (Mt 5:45).  Another truth to mull over.

The summary of man.... the greatest secret of them all.....is knowing that walking with God does not give us a "free pass" from suffering and death.  I mean ultimately, yes, eternity with our Father is the only thing that really matters; but there is so much life to walk through between the "here" and the "there".  I have heard all the sayings like: "its not about the beginning or the end, but rather, the in-between that matters".  I get this and understand what is being said.  For my own life personally, though, I have come to see that it is not about the seasons of rain or drought....blessing or want....but rather, the key to my entire life is really about how much and to what degree my walk with Him remains the same all throughout.  That is the goal of my life.  Walking through life....praising Him regardless of what He may or may not do to me, with me, or through me.  He is who He is.  He said to Moses, "I am that I am" (Exodus 3:14).  For a long time I wrestled with this because I didn't really get what God was saying.  People would quote that verse, others nodding in agreement, deeply sighing and saying something to the tune of  "how true that is"....and the whole time I would sit there, thinking: I don't get it.  "I am that I am"??  What in the World does that mean?  How does that define You, Father?!  How does that give me something solid to call upon?  That is your ultimate name?  Your ultimate description?  I didn't understand and felt left out that I didn't understand.  And then it continued when I read Job for the first time.  Wow.

There is a lot in Job as well.  I felt so saddened by God's response to Job when He finally spoke to him, answering him from the storm in Job 38-42.  I didn't understand.  It just didn't feel to me that God was comforting Job, or telling him that He "understood and would make it up to him".  It left me uneasy and restless and I struggled with it for years.  And then it was as if God gave me a new perspective.  

If we could "define" Him, if we could put a "name" or a "definition" of God out there to stand thru the test of all times....it would be us being lord over Him, as opposed to the other way around.  There is no definition for Him because He does not bow to our descriptions.  He cannot be defined or boxed in.  Who can know the mind of God?  Who can discern His thoughts?  Psalm 50:21 says, "You thought I was altogether like you".  This was me.  I thought He was like me.  I thought He somehow needed to tell me more than "I am that I am".  I felt that He owed Job an apology.  But He did something far better for Job....He showed him the 10,000-foot-view.  He changed Job's perspective.  He revealed the breadth and width of who He was and what He had done throughout all of creation, putting Job's situation into a perspective that only God could do.

And that is what He will do for us.  He will uphold us, being the lifter of our heads and our hearts...changing our perspective and allowing us to see beyond the mud and mire of our present circumstances.  Life is Beautiful...but God is Extravagant.   I go with God.  Like David I say, as for me, let me fall into the hands of God.  He is to be trusted.  He can handle it.